It's Far From Over

I just started and restarted this post about a million times. I can't think of words to say that will rightfully express what I'm feeling right now. I don't think there are any words to describe it. It's a mixture of relief, sadness, happiness, compassion, joy, and finally, a little peace.

Everyday it's a different struggle for me.

Everyday it's a different reason to feel down. To be angry with myself over something stupid.

But everyday I want to smack myself and say, "what the hell is the matter with you???"

Then I remember that there IS something the matter with me. And I can't fix it by myself. It can't be fixed with a pasta dinner. Or a pedicure. Or a book. Or repeating little mantras to myself. This is a deep seeded belief that I don't deserve what I have. That I don't deserve to be happy. Or thin. Or beautiful. Because what I see in the mirror is a reflection of what I think is inside. And that view is a distorted, freakish thing.

I remember meeting Charlie's ex for the first time two years ago, she is tall, thin, hair is gorgeous, skin is perfect. Her make-up was perfectly applied and her clothes trendy, new, and expensive. I literally almost passed out. Here I was, in sweat pants and a tshirt. I had showered but a ponytail held my hair back and I had minimal make-up on. I'll be honest, I was going to visit Charlie after he got arrested- so who the hell was I trying to impress? And WHO was she trying to impress?

She said, "who the fuck does she think she is? Look at her! I'm beautiful and she's fuckin' ugly. Why the fuck do you want her?"

I said nothing in reply, my face must have turned purple in shame. I thought Charlie was going to slap her though. From then on in, I was the ugly white bitch to her. And to me, I never forget words. Words are things you can never take back, even when said in a moment of anger. Charlie defended me, and has everytime she brings that day up to him- he thinks I'm beautiful. He thinks even though she's pretty to everyone else, she is ugly on the inside and I'm perfect. He is proud of me, because I'm everything she isn't. I work, I pay my bills, I'm a good mom, I have a perfect body (his words obviously), and best of all, I treat him like gold. He calls the 6 years he was living with her a prison sentence. But I remember that moment bringing back in the fear that I am not good enough. Why would he want me instead of her? I try to remember who she really is. And it works for the moment. I still get angry when I hear that he talked to her, mainly because, even after all this time, she still thinks I stole her man. Um hello wacko! NO! I'd just like to point out that C and this crazy biz-natch were broken up for 3 years when I met him!

Where am I going with all this stuff anyway? Oh yea. I really believe that one of the issues I have is not about my body. It's the reflection of how I feel about the inside of myself- coming out. It's that I'm not "enough". Enough what? Smart enough, friendly enough, good enough, popular enough, pretty enough. And when I feel not enough I turn to the only thing that makes sense to me. Beat up the vessel that carries all these human emotions, tendencies, and weaknesses around. Which is what I find alot of us do. Agree? The hardest thing to do is to believe how strong and beautiful we really are.
Wow, I can't believe I wrote that much.. I didn't mean to get so deep for a day after hump-day. I'll be working on self-reflection and learning to recognize what I am feeling and if I'm feeling that way because of some other emotion. Like am I saying I'm fat because I'm feeling sad about my friends not calling me... ever? Good plan no? Cognitive behavior therapy right here kids!!!!!!!! Change the way you think!

So I promised you food didn't I? I did.. Dinner.. and more dinner. Along with Shaun T, the sexy guy from Hip Hop Abs for dessert.


Here we have Van's gluten-free waffles with Almond Butter and Raspberry jelly. I stole three apple slices from the Peanut's plate.. haha. A smaller dinner because I had a huge lunch and a huge dinner on Tuesday night. I did end up making the rice and sausage mix. I used Al Fresco chicken sausage... holy deliciousness in a sausge and no I'm not talkin' about a man!!!!!


(my sense of humor is obviously still intact...)
Here is Shaun T up on my big screen TV. Look he's trying to give you a hug!!!!!!
I really think he's a little on the gay side, but he can be gay all he wants, as long as he's straight for me!!!!!!!!

Big plans this weekend. It's going to be sunny sunny and sunny. Tan. Tan. Tan. I need a tan! I will be bike riding. I will be running around like a mad-dog. And hopefully, heading out someplace with the Peanut. My goal is to go to Five Guys & A Burger with her, but I'm not sure that will end up happening.. maybe just for some frozen yogurt or something small like that. Let's not push it with burgers and fries!
If you are still reading after all this blabber, thank you, for your heartfelt words of support. They mean more to me than you will ever ever know. We are all in this together right?? *cue High School Musical soundtrack*. You guys rock my socks. :)

On To The Next One

Wow... I don't even know what to say guys. First of all, thank you for all your sweet comments. I don't know what I would do without the support of blog world- seriously. I haven't had the chance to email everyone who commented or wrote.. but I promise I will.
I wish I could say that I have come back refreshed, joyous, and full of promise.
I wish I could say that I ate like a star all week, and didn't stare blankly into the pantry or fridge, only to walk away empty handed. My appetite and grief go hand in hand.
I wish I could say that my "real" friends were as supportive of this whole thing as my "bloggie" friends. I have been stubborn lately, and saying, "someone will call me. someone will reach out." and nothing. Does anyone want my phone number?!
I wish I could say I didn't cry every night.
I wish I could say anything brilliant, worthwhile, refreshing, profound. So many words just jumble up in my head and to make them come out on paper? Man that is a task.
I came across my journal I kept two years ago at around this time and I was *shocked* to see that my thought process about myself was quite honestly the same.
I wish I could say that I think in the last couple of years I have grown mentally and emotionally. Although I have CLEAR goals in my head- I think they are lost a little at this time.
I quit dance class.
My teacher was the creepo who tried to *molest* me a while back and as much as I wanted to keep dancing there and as much as I LOVE it, my gas tank, wallet, and mental health will thank me.

Instead I bought these two DVD's. Anasma Liquid Fusion Hip Hop/Belly Dancing. Um sexy much?! I'm really looking forward to getting them and they were really cheap. I will do them twice and they will pay for themselves compared to dance(my dance class was $10 per class).

Even though this post finds me still struggling, I do have faith that it will get easier and THIS TIME will not be forever. The future is way better than the misery of the present and as long as I'm still able to get up out of bed- I consider the day a success. Obviously, I need to work on my expectations ; )

That brings me to some of my eats. Like I said, lately this has been a hard area for me- BUT I'm a work in progress.

This was yummy.. I really liked it, even though I thought I wouldn't. I love eggs, so I thought this would end up being a poor substitute for scrambled eggs, but it was delightful, savory dish. The hash browns even had a "crunch" to them despite being nuked..
These weren't too bad. I bought a weeks worth of Attune bars because I wanted to see if my stomach would be able to handle it and react well. So far so good. I love chocolate so this was a good way to have some "functional chocolate".


Another snack I felt I needed to try. Please guys, don't go shopping with my daughter! Everything I picked up she made me throw in the cart. So when I pondered over these in the yogurt section of Hannafords and explained how they worked to her, she said, "oh just get them mom, seriously!!!". Yea, 7 going on 17 right here guys!
And then one more I got, you know, just for good measure..
Freeze-dried pineapple. It wasn't too bad, but I forgot that pineapple is one of those fruits that if it ain't cooked my mouth don't like it. So I ended up drinking about 5 glasses of water after eating these babies.


I did bake though. What? Me? Cook something? Yes, I know you are all shocked!! Another purchase the Peanut said I "needed to get" at Hannafords. She kills me!
Sorry it is such a crappy picture of the finshed product, but this was really good!!! I managed to spread out eating this through-out a few days, but it was hard to not eat it all in one sitting.
I added honey to the batter and used rice milk in place of water to make it "richer". YUM! Loved it! (P.S. Peanut painted my nails for me.. I think she wants to be my boss, always pushing me around, telling me what to do.. lol)


I should be cooking tonight. I have some chicken sausage in my fridge that needs to get used up. Plus some rice mix (you know I love my Goya rice...). I hope this post finds everyone who reads and comments blessed. Seriously because I feel blessed to be able to be a part of this community. You guys are awesome and really do make it all worthwhile.
*MAJOR HUGS*

And Yet Here We Are

Hi guys.. how are you all? I'm doing ok I think.

I'll be taking the next few days off of blogging. My head isn't really with it right now and I don't think I can put my full heart into it. I'm still reading all your posts and laughing and crying right along with you. But I don't have anything inspirational to say. And I've definitely done more crying than anything else.

Tomorrow is my anniversary and I am having such a hard time being separated from C it's ridiculous. There are some days where it just, sucks, you know? So in order not to be a debbie downer or a negative nancy, I'm going to step back and refocus and hopefully by the end of the week I'll be ok about it.

I miss my Charlie.



I'll be around via email for sure, you wanna pop me a line I'm all ears (or eyes rather)
**edited because i'm sorry these pics are so freakin small. sheesh.. i'll have to fix that!**

What Day Is It Anyway?

well, I'm sick as anything. I'll be back over the weekend to try and make up for my absence this week. But between my cold and migraines, I'm pretty wiped out.

Hope everyone is doing well and I'll catch up on everyone SOON!!!!

In the meantime here is what is going on in my hometown this week:

Mansfield, MA cuts afterschool activities..
As you know I am long winded and very passionate about alot of things.. so I won't share my opinion here- what do you all think?

I Gotta Ask You..

Hey divas! What's up???? It's Monday night and I promised I would be back today to ask you guys some questions! And maybe give you a round up of the weekend! Maybe!!
Well let's start with the food just so FoodBuzz doesn't catch me only talking about "stuff"...
*um interjection, I'm watching DWTS. And Nicole and Derek are dancing to my all time favorite song, "First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" by Roberta Flack. Tears are in my eyes!!!!!*Ok back to it!

Let's start with Saturday- I went and ran some errands on Saturday morning in my neighborhood, I had to make a pit stop to get some coffee (mama doesn't run without her crack!) at Dunkins. I got my usual coffee that I get at Starbucks or Tim Horton's - caramel, skimmmmm (light on the skim!), and one sugar. UM GROSS ME OUT!!! It freakin' SUCKED! So I drove right by my Tim Hortons and turned around. And asked the girls at Time Hortons to fix my coffee. I think I made their day! They laughed for about five minutes and then made me a FRESH coffee for FREE! YUMMMMMY! It was SO good! Damn you Dunkin Donuts! And THANK YOU Tim Horton's! Those of you who don't have a Tim Horton's near you- you are missing out, it's delish! We only have one every few hundred miles in the States I think ; )

So I also wanted to show you my current breakfast obsession- positively the BEST instant oatmeal I've EVER had. EVER! (And I'm an oatmeal lover but prefer to make it myself) This was delish- the dried cranberries, the perfect amount of sweetness, holy orgasm at breakfast!!!! (Don't tell my co-workers.. they are old guys, they will have heart attacks)


This is super cheap too- $2!!!!! Hopefully someone out here has a Hannafords near them!
Ok, more of Saturday. I made another lasagna with the leftover polenta I had from Easter. This time I layered it with mushrooms and spinach instead of ground chicken. This was so delicious!!!!!! I made five servings of it- the other four went in my tupperware to save for later meals! Doesn't it look so good!!


Alright so Saturday night I was in charge of bringing my girls to MOVIE NIGHT at church. Can you guess what we saw?


I love this movie!
So there was pizza there but I prepped myself for the torture/temptation of eating tons of pizza by eating my veggie lasagnas before-hand. Once I got there, I did eat Sun Chips! Yummy! Then I "snuck" in a Jokerz bar- it's a vegan "snickers" bar. Good sub for the real thing! I loved it! So eating the Sun Chips and Jokerz bar didn't keep me from eating the girl's pizza crust... but hey- I avoided the whole piece! Haha!


OK let's get down to business here! I gotta come up with 7 questions and tag 7 of your lovely doves to find out MORE about!

1. What is your favorite article of clothing?
2. What is your dream vacation?
3. Have you ever danced in the rain?
4. If you could design your own dream house, what would it look like? big and spacious, small and cozy, condo, etc..
5. If you won the lottery would you quit your job and move to Tahiti?
6. If you could only drink one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?
7. What would you name your first born son or daughter?

So in my previous post I also won the Kreativ Blogger award.. and I don't know WHO I can tag for both awards, so I'm going to tag as many of my lovely friends for BOTH as I can ;)

Andy- you have to do the Kreativ blog award! And you are optional on the questions! ;)
Jessie- do both girlfriend!
Rebeca- you too!
Katie 1- the original Diva!
Katie 2- the other Katie in my life!
Lauren- one of my international readers!
Miss Sweet Sarah- shes soooo beautiful!
Stef! Are you out there girl???
SOPHIA!!!!- I love you!!!!!
Jenny! She's so inspiring!
Anais- my lovely fellow Tim Horton's lover!
Christina- you get the questions ok?!
Kate! Girl where the heck are you??
Gabriela! Who can forget everyone's favorite little brasilera?
Well I think that about rounds it up! Hopefully you will all see this post! I'm really tired so I'm going to bed and I won't be able to comment on everyone's blogs.. lol sorry !!!! I'm sooooo tired right now!

Good night all!!!!!!

Tag.. I'm It!

Happy Sunday night all! How are you lovelies? I'm doing ok, this is just a quick Sunday night post- thanks for listening to me rant by the way lol, even though I don't think I really had a huge point, it was good to get the question out there. So thanks for all your comments!

I got tagged/awarded in two different awardy-thingies! By the LOVELY AND AMAZING ANDY AND CHRISTINA! Thank you girlies!! *hugs*

1. Where was your first kiss?
I can't remember! Oh my!
2. What are you feeling right now this very moment?
Kinda tired!
3. If you could fly, but had to leave everything behind, would you? only if I could strap the Peanut and Joanna on my back!
4. What color are your socks?
barefoot right now!
5. Do you have a morning routine? What is it? 5:45 get up, 6-6:40 am workout, 6:50 shower, 7:15-7:30 chase the Peanut around to get her ready for school, 7:40 leave for work! same routine.. every darn day!
6. If the world was going to end tomorrow, how would you spend today?
in bed with my hubby!
7. What is your favorite thing about yourself?
my eyes... by far! oh and my tattoos
8. What is your favorite quality in others? i love how insightful bloggies are.. beautiful words, amazing stories, I'm so inspired by them!
9. What is the scariest thing you've encountered?
I got lost in Ocean City, MD when I was 9- it was SOOOOOOOOOOO scary!!
10. When do you feel alive? when I'm dancing...


The Kreativ Blogger Award Rules:

1. Post the award.
2. Thank and mention the person who gave you the award.
3. Pass the award on to seven blogs who you think embody the spirit of the Kreativ Blogger Award.
4. Name seven things about yourself that others don't know.
5. Don't forget to notify your seven Bloggers about their award and post a link to their blog.

Well, I don't have the badge that goes with this.. for some reason I can't "see" the picture? So we'll have to make do, or if someone has it and wants to send it to me? Anyone? *cricket**cricket*
I'm supposed to post 7 Things about me that NO ONE knows! Gee, this is HARD to DO- but I will give it a go!

1. Today my mother freely admitted that if my older sister was not there to help, she was not sure she would have been able to tell me and my twin sister apart... EVER.
2. I have five big scars on my chest and stomach- three are from a hernia surgery and the two on my chest are from a biopsy of a growth I had on my chest. Gross huh? I thought so too, so I usually tell people I got stabbed in a bar fight. ; )
3. I cry when I watch Criminal Minds. Then I have nightmares!
4. I don't really like mainstream novels, I prefer Christian Romance novels. All the sap, none of the sex. I'm not having any - why would I want to read about it??
5. I love reality TV, especially the random shows like Food Wars and anything about luxury homes and vacations
6. I spontaneously break out into song. I. Am. My. Mother. ARGH!!!!
7. Whenever I watch music videos I am disappointed because I KNOW if I were the director/producer, it would have been SO MUCH better!


So now I have to tag people for BOTH awards. Hmmmmmm, so many people to pick from!!

Hang tight dears... I'll go back to that tomorrow! I have to also think of some funky questions to ask people as well for the award from Andy. I'll let you all sweat it out...

This is like waiting for the results of the Peanut's science fair.. nail chewing...hair twirling... nervous pacing.. OH btw- she got 3rd place for her science project - so the wait for the results is OVA. Congrats to my baby- she's so smart!

I'll see you all tomorrow!

What Goes In...

Hi everyone!!! How's it going? It's going over here I think! BTW- thank you SOOOO much for all your comments on my last post- I'm so happy to be a part of the lovely blogging community!!! : )

Not too much is happening in my neck of the woods- we've had a couple of great days weather-wise and now it is back to "normal" for spring time here. I think. Chilly, rainy, and dreary. Oh how the rain brings down my mood!!!!! Does that happen to anyone else? I don't get grumpy- just blah!

Well like I said, there isn't too much going on here you know? But I have some stuff to share.. so let's start at the very beginning, a VERY good place to start!
(anyone??? you know that??)

There was a hearty discussion going on over there at Hangry Pants with Heather regarding school lunches and who is ultimately responsible for providing healthy school lunches for children and what really is the defintion of a healthy school lunch. For me? It all starts at home! I feel like for the most part, we food bloggers are in an elite group for knowing what is "healthy" and what is considered "junk" for kids. However, there are parents who WANT to provide healthy lunches and foods for their kids and can't really afford to.. whether that's because the food budget doesn't allow for it or there are many mouths too feed and not enough to go around. It IS cheaper to buy a bag of Dorititos than a bag of Cinnamon Apple Chips. It IS cheaper to buy a box Stop & Shop dino shaped chicken nuggets than a box of Cascadian Farms chicken breasts. Reading about the school lunches on Heather's site made me remember about how when I was growing up, we got free lunches because my father was either un-employed or under-employed for a huge chunk of time. With four kids to feed, mac& cheese and cereal were staples in our diets. It's also where my disordered thoughts about food started kicking in. A portion of my Advanced Placement Chemistry class was spent learning about nutrition (I guess my teacher thought we should know about it? I have no clue why we did this..) and we measured calories in food. Suddenly I knew how many calories were in that free calzone I was eating. The tater tots. The nachos with nasty orange cheese. Gross. Me. Out. And I started obsessing over everything that went in my mouth. I gave away half my food and only drank skim milk and ate the piece of fruit that came with the lunch. I lost a good 15 pounds in a very short amount of time. I brushed it off as "growing into myself" but inside I was panicking... how could my mom let us eat this crap??? Why were we eating this crap??
I don't believe we had much of a choice. It was a financial burden lifted not to have to get four lunches together everyday and only having to worry about dinner.

Being a single mom myself when the Peanut was in school I had the chance to apply for free lunches for her and I chose not to. Instead I added money to her account and everytime she got a lunch menu, we picked four days where she could buy lunch and that was it. Does it suck trying to make sure I have enough money for breakfast lunch and dinner for her and myself? Yup- especially because she's a pretty picky eater! Have you ever met a kid who doesn't like bread? Well, if you have met the Peanut, that's her! Won't touch a sandwich! But we've made it work and although I feel guilty sometimes because she has the SAME lunches almost every day- it's the best we can do for now!
here is a peek inside the Peanut's lunch bag..

Crackers, cheese, ham rolled up. Yogurt, fruit, and some goldfish! Yummy!
The Peanut's digestive system does a whole lot better with out a ton of wheat and processed foods. Did you know that? She is the first person I know who functions much better on an organic diet! ; )
I think we would all function better on an all organic diet.. haha! But on pay-days, that's when we get the "good stuff" and in between, we get the cheap stuff. Pick your battles folks! So did my long-winded post have a point? Maybe not, but I needed a story behind why I took a picture of her lunch box. Ha!

Seriously though, anyone care to jump in the discussion about where nutrition starts? Home or school? Parents should be teaching about nutrition or leave it up to health class and after school trips to Dairy Queen?

Well that's all for now dears.. I have a ton of other things to talk about, but I'm planning to do a weekend post as well, so look out for that! And TONIGHT I'll break the computer out at home and get officially caught up on everything! I know Christina left me an award a while back.. so I have to put that up. And I have a couple of funny stories from this week as well.. I didn't want to stuff it into ONE post..

Easter And Exhaustion

Hello dear ones.. it's Tuesday and I seemed to have missed my usual Saturday and Monday post. I am so sorry! I've been a little "unplugged" from the world lately. I'm just really tired all of a sudden! Bed time is creeping in earlier and earlier- which might not be a bad thing! But who knows why...

So Easter weekend you say? What did we do? Well, alot happened! First of all on Saturday, the Peanut got to go to the zoo with her Aunties and my nephew Caiden! Lucky!!!! She had a blast and didn't come home until about 8 that night. Party ANIMAL! What did I do while she was gone? I went to a salsa workshop with my dance class in Cranston. As you remember last week we had the "Historic Flooding" here in Rhode Island and the dance studio we went to was literally a stone's throw away from the Pawtuxet river. Brilliant! I got a couple of good pics of the roaring river.. Still going strong!


This place caught my eye though... soft serve!!!!! Yummy!

The class was absolutely AMAZING! Well worth the extra money to go and spend a beautiful afternoon inside for! I loved it and learned A LOT! I also appreciated how confident my dance teacher is in my dance skills- I'm only in the second level for dance class now and when it came time to split up into "beginner/intermediate" (my level) and "intermediate/advanced" (ummmm not me!) he made me go into the advanced class. Ego boost! It was a little harder, but I worked my tail off and did it. Good stuff you know?
So I don't know if you guys may know, but the last couple of weeks have been rough food-wise for me. I've had to talk myself into eating a lot of times and working out like a looney some days. Not cool. I'm a work in progress though I think and some days are better than others. Well anyway- I considered Saturday after class a success because I managed to talk myself INTO (and not out of) having soft serve frozen yogurt. With chocolate sprinkles. All while day-dreaming by the Pawtuxet. It is a small success, but because I can't remember the last time I let myself indulge like that- it's a good one. Baby steps my friends.. I told my C about it, who said I needed to have six more. He thinks I'm too skinny.. lol

So Easter came and so did the Easter bunny! I forgot to take a picture of what he brought the Peanut, but he brought me Starburst jelly beans! I love those things! Oh "Easter bunny" knows me so well!
But here we are in all our fancy dolled up glory! (please ignore my extreme whiteness- mama needs to lay out!!!)

It was the usual routine for Easter- church, food, egg hunt.. and nap time!
I made a lovely lovely dish that I borrowed from Christina (thanks girl!)- a polenta lasagna. I made mine with ground chicken, polenta rounds, Muir Glen marinara sauce, and "rice mozzarella cheese". I sprinkled nutritional yeast over the top of it and baked away. This is pretty simple to make I gotta tell ya! On Saturday I sauteed the polenta rounds and browned the chicken and set it aside. Then on Sunday I layered the ingredients. And baked it. Wow. So intensely hard!!!! Ha!
Here is a picture of it uncooked. I forgot to take a picture of it cooked!

EVERYONE loved it! I was as surprised as my mother was! I think the key thing was, I didn't mention the fact that the cheese was not "real" cheese. :) No one noticed. Shhhhhhh!!!! I thought it was amazing! The "cheese" melted like it was supposed to and did not taste fake at all. GOOD DEAL! Adding this one to my permanent recipe book in my head!
I did have to buy that cheese at Whole Foods though (argh- so expensive!) I also bought some Amazing Grass products to try at the same time.. only becuase I came across a blog post of Christina's (girl I blogger-creeped you this weekend..) where she mentions that Amazing Grass has all but rid her of chronic headaches. If you know me, I always have a freakin' head ache. So I got some to sample see if I liked it enough to buy it on a regular basis.


I tried this bar yesterday afternoon. Despite its questionable looks and odd taste at times, it was quite delicious. And the best part was it kept me full for hours- which is completely weird. I eat like a cat- only a little bit at a time and I eat something almost every couple of hours. I think my metabolism is all out of whack though because no matter what kind of meal I eat, I'm hungry again three hours later- whether it's a huge burger and fries or it's a yogurt sprinkled with granola. Strange! But anyway- although the taste was a bit weird for me- I kinda liked it! It wasn't too bad! I have some of the chocolate "amazing meal" stuff so I'll give that a whirl sometime this week as well.

Well anyway, I have to get back to work. You know, so I can do. Work. *gasp*

I'll be catching up on your blogs soooooooooon. Tomorrow night probably- I have dance class TONIGHT! Whoooooo!