Thursday, April 29, 2010

It's Far From Over

I just started and restarted this post about a million times. I can't think of words to say that will rightfully express what I'm feeling right now. I don't think there are any words to describe it. It's a mixture of relief, sadness, happiness, compassion, joy, and finally, a little peace.

Everyday it's a different struggle for me.

Everyday it's a different reason to feel down. To be angry with myself over something stupid.

But everyday I want to smack myself and say, "what the hell is the matter with you???"

Then I remember that there IS something the matter with me. And I can't fix it by myself. It can't be fixed with a pasta dinner. Or a pedicure. Or a book. Or repeating little mantras to myself. This is a deep seeded belief that I don't deserve what I have. That I don't deserve to be happy. Or thin. Or beautiful. Because what I see in the mirror is a reflection of what I think is inside. And that view is a distorted, freakish thing.

I remember meeting Charlie's ex for the first time two years ago, she is tall, thin, hair is gorgeous, skin is perfect. Her make-up was perfectly applied and her clothes trendy, new, and expensive. I literally almost passed out. Here I was, in sweat pants and a tshirt. I had showered but a ponytail held my hair back and I had minimal make-up on. I'll be honest, I was going to visit Charlie after he got arrested- so who the hell was I trying to impress? And WHO was she trying to impress?

She said, "who the fuck does she think she is? Look at her! I'm beautiful and she's fuckin' ugly. Why the fuck do you want her?"

I said nothing in reply, my face must have turned purple in shame. I thought Charlie was going to slap her though. From then on in, I was the ugly white bitch to her. And to me, I never forget words. Words are things you can never take back, even when said in a moment of anger. Charlie defended me, and has everytime she brings that day up to him- he thinks I'm beautiful. He thinks even though she's pretty to everyone else, she is ugly on the inside and I'm perfect. He is proud of me, because I'm everything she isn't. I work, I pay my bills, I'm a good mom, I have a perfect body (his words obviously), and best of all, I treat him like gold. He calls the 6 years he was living with her a prison sentence. But I remember that moment bringing back in the fear that I am not good enough. Why would he want me instead of her? I try to remember who she really is. And it works for the moment. I still get angry when I hear that he talked to her, mainly because, even after all this time, she still thinks I stole her man. Um hello wacko! NO! I'd just like to point out that C and this crazy biz-natch were broken up for 3 years when I met him!

Where am I going with all this stuff anyway? Oh yea. I really believe that one of the issues I have is not about my body. It's the reflection of how I feel about the inside of myself- coming out. It's that I'm not "enough". Enough what? Smart enough, friendly enough, good enough, popular enough, pretty enough. And when I feel not enough I turn to the only thing that makes sense to me. Beat up the vessel that carries all these human emotions, tendencies, and weaknesses around. Which is what I find alot of us do. Agree? The hardest thing to do is to believe how strong and beautiful we really are.
Wow, I can't believe I wrote that much.. I didn't mean to get so deep for a day after hump-day. I'll be working on self-reflection and learning to recognize what I am feeling and if I'm feeling that way because of some other emotion. Like am I saying I'm fat because I'm feeling sad about my friends not calling me... ever? Good plan no? Cognitive behavior therapy right here kids!!!!!!!! Change the way you think!

So I promised you food didn't I? I did.. Dinner.. and more dinner. Along with Shaun T, the sexy guy from Hip Hop Abs for dessert.

Here we have Van's gluten-free waffles with Almond Butter and Raspberry jelly. I stole three apple slices from the Peanut's plate.. haha. A smaller dinner because I had a huge lunch and a huge dinner on Tuesday night. I did end up making the rice and sausage mix. I used Al Fresco chicken sausage... holy deliciousness in a sausge and no I'm not talkin' about a man!!!!!

(my sense of humor is obviously still intact...)
Here is Shaun T up on my big screen TV. Look he's trying to give you a hug!!!!!!
I really think he's a little on the gay side, but he can be gay all he wants, as long as he's straight for me!!!!!!!!

Big plans this weekend. It's going to be sunny sunny and sunny. Tan. Tan. Tan. I need a tan! I will be bike riding. I will be running around like a mad-dog. And hopefully, heading out someplace with the Peanut. My goal is to go to Five Guys & A Burger with her, but I'm not sure that will end up happening.. maybe just for some frozen yogurt or something small like that. Let's not push it with burgers and fries!
If you are still reading after all this blabber, thank you, for your heartfelt words of support. They mean more to me than you will ever ever know. We are all in this together right?? *cue High School Musical soundtrack*. You guys rock my socks. :)


  1. I wish I could express in words how much I hate this post. Not the food, or the sexy man, or the author herself, but rather I hate seeing other people hurting like this. To honestly hate yourself and believe that you don't deserve happiness is a terrible thing. You are beautiful, and that comes out not just through the pictures you post, but also through the words that you write, and the love and compassion you have. I think you're awesome, and I think you should think you're awesome too.
    Have fun this weekend!

    Love, Andy

  2. You are so beautiful and wonderful and I hate that this disease won't let you see that. I'm so glad your wrote this though--it takes so much courage to speak out about when you feel this way. And I think recognizing these thoughts and challenging them is the first step to getting past them. You are amazing! Charlie is so lucky to have you and so is the Peanut. When I read your last post about how she helped you shop, all I could think was how amazing you are as a mom. And you're right--it's not about food or eating or about what your body really looks like--it's about your brain not being able to understand what it sees when you look in the mirror.

    Take care of yourself and keep fighting! You will beat this!

  3. hey girl... you need to answer those happiness quotes you saw on my site. maybe it will help you out as well. i need to catch up on your blog before i can say to much!

    thanks for check mine out and your comment!

  4. Thank you so much for making me feel less alone. The more I talk to others about these types of things, the more I see how many people go through some of the same stuff that I do (or we do).
    That is a crazy story about Charlie's ex..I know how much insecurity can stem from seeing your significant other's ex..I've definitely experienced that too. I've also experienced insecurity from having a boyfriend just look at other women (but never said anything to him about it) but that was only because I was feeling so badly about myself at the time. When we learn to appreciate our own beauty and also see that the other people in our lives love us as we are, we can learn let go of those negative feelings. Its a process though. In the meantime, I'm sure it helps to have someone tell you that you have a perfect body and that they love you!

  5. Honey - you ARE beautiful and strong!!!! You are gorgeous, you don't only dance but you dance WELL, you're an awesome mom... the list could go on! In one word: you are awesome and don't let anyone make you think otherwise!!

    Have you ever read Eat, Pray, Love? I loved reading that book and it was very insightful for when I was feeling like I didn't deserve to be happy or things like that!

  6. I find it ironic that C's ex wore makeup was, what you thought, was "beautiful" on the outside, yet she had some much ugliness on the inside. And now, you, who has so much beauty on the inside, doesn't feel like your outsides match which makes you think your insides are ugly too. Does that make sense?

    Sadly, what you experience is a disorted self-image (no surpise to you, I'm sure) but something that so many experience. Blogging & writing it out hopefully is thereputic to you. Never stop working on yoursel okay? You are, and always will be, a work in progress and are perfect just the way you are!

  7. hey sweet girl, im so glad to hear you got some girlfriend time this weekend. i hope that talking out some sh*t really helped take a little of the load off your shoulders. it can be rough, not having that as readily as you want!!!

    i know how frustrating it can be to have an image of yourself that essentially beats yourself up...i do it to myself and it helps so much to have people remind you that you are awesome and such a beautiful person and YES physically as well. it must be rough not having C to whisper that in your ear. no shame in needing someone on the outside to remind you how awesome you are. which, you are! xoxo