So last night I wrote up a whole post kind of dedicated to National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. I've been reading some great posts this week in reference to shining the light on eating disorders and how much life an ED sucks out of you as a person. I admit, once I wrote I thought to myself, "no one's going to read this". You guys want escapism, happy stuff.
I read a lot of blogs sometimes and I remember reading one in particular (I won't link back to it, because I'm sure I'd never be able to find it again) where the poster reached her goal weight and didn't know why she still hated herself. Why wasn't she beautiful yet? Why didn't she feel happy? It's because ED takes all that away from you. It takes away the ability to look in the mirror and like what you see because no matter how many pounds you lose, it's never enough. No matter how many hours you workout, it's never enough.
I was never officially diagnosed with any kind of eating disorder, but I know for a fact that how I viewed (and still think sometimes) myself was not normal. Fat and disgusting was my normal mantra and stopped me from enjoying pretty much anything in my life for a while. I restricted and binged, in a continuous cycle. If a guy rejected me it was because I was not tiny. If I got in trouble at work, it was because I was ugly and not cute like the other girls. I didn't eat cream cheese, ice cream, burgers, fries, good God there were so many foods I just wouldn't touch because they were "bad" foods.
I'll be first one to admit, I still struggle with this. The hardest thing to do with any kind of disordered eating pattern is to break the thought process that makes you think you aren't worth anything because you don't weigh 95 pounds.
I often don't post up what I eat because it's boring and the same thing over and over again.
I often don't talk about my workouts because I work too hard in the time I allow myself to work out. Or I don't do it all and feel like a slacker.
I don't talk about what I am wearing because I don't have a clue what to wear when my skinny jeans don't make me feel skinny.
There are a lot of feelings here I won't mention because I'm too scared.
Remember my mental health challenge from the beginning of the year? I fight that everyday!
Remember when I posted up old pictures of myself? I still want to look like that!
Well people, it's time for me to get back to work, but I definitely did not want to leave you without some pictures. Here is the kitty whom you all love.....
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(this is her "chair" for watching out the window)
She is available for adoption. Requirements for her new family
1. must be early risers- she eats at 5:30 am on the nose
2. must have three hands- two to continue with normal human tasks, one to pet her
3. must have a soft lap so she can sit in it
4. must also have alligator skin so when she gets mad she can scratch you without hurting you
5. must have catnip toys
6. must have earplugs- she is very noisy...
Anyone? Want her? Doesn't she look like she is CRYING out for a new family?!?!?!
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Over the weekend I'm on a mission to get KTBWood's package sent out.... I didn't forget about you girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have tried some new foods and wanted to give you guys a full review on them. Other than that I'm not sure what is up for the weekend, no skating this weekend bummer!!!
Have a great Thirsty Thursday!!!!
Awwwwww she is so cute!! I wish I could take her!! My puppy would terrorize her though!!
ReplyDeleteCant wait for new product reviews you got!!!
Hope you have a great day love!!!!
That was a great, thoughtful post. It's funny how hard and how much work it takes to love ourselves... I think the fact that you're acknowledging how tough it is is a good sign though :)
ReplyDeleteGreat post! The same sort of feelings started for me when I was about 16 or 17 and quit dance. Since I wasn't moving and grooving 3 or 4 days a week for 3 or 4 hours each day I gained a little "fluff." It wasn't even weight, just wasn't as toned. Then I'd beat myself up like your post and I figured since it was about the time of teenager puberty coming into womanhood thing that it was normal. Everybody I talked to felt the same way and I knew female family members felt the same way. It's SO SAD that so many females in our world struggle w/ this same thing day in and day out.
ReplyDeleteI currently only have ONE pair of pants (besides sweats) that fit me and a lot of my shirts are too short to go around my belly that's bigger than it used to be. The # on the scale is bigger than what it used to be but I'm FINALLY ok w/ it. I think my problem all this time was that I kept thinking I had to get back down to fit into my old clothes. But I've had a lot of them since high school and that's just unrealistic. I'm supposed to be this size now, it's healthy and normal. It would NOT be healthy to get myself back down to the size I was when I was 16 or 17 now that I'm 25 just for the sake of fitting into a pair of jeans I still own. I've just resolved that I don't care what size the pants say or what weight the scale says - I just want to be happy w/ the condition of my body. I'd like to be healthier for the sake of being healthy. Walks, eating good foods, feeling more energy and better, etc. And I think w/ that esteem comes feeling better about what is in the mirror. For months I was so disgusting w/ what was in the mirror. Then I was trying on bathing suits to gauge a size of the new one I need to get and I thought - what? I'm not even that bad!! This looks about the size I always was - only it wasn't. But once I changed my mind and my thinking, it somehow magically changed my eyesight in the mirror and it wasn't so skewed from reality!
PS Love the kitty pics and "for sale" facts. hehe Made me giggle!
Awww, I know how it is...
ReplyDeleteTo feel terrible about your own body, to feel fat and disgusting instead of real skinny...
But, remember: You can do it!
You can fight this disease!
We´ll be here for you :)
Always.
Have faith and an amazing day!
Brazilian XOXO´s,
Gabriela
I so so wish I could adopt your kitty!
ReplyDeleteShe sounds just like one that I had for several years, but died a couple months ago. Unfortunately I'm moving shortly, and I don't think she'd appreciate that.
Thanks so much for your comments, they make my day.
And what you say about eating disorders is filled with truth, if only all of us could see it.
Hope your day is going well.
Love, Andy
Thanks so much for this post. This is a hugely brave thing to do--I'm still scared to tell most people in my life about my eating disorder because there is so much stigma attached and so many people just don't get it. But the more people talk about it, the more understanding I think other people will have.
ReplyDeleteYou're so right that the hardest thing is getting rid of those thought patterns. I still get so frustrated by the fact that I'm a healthy weight yet I still feel the same way I did when I was starving. It seems like there's nothing I can do to get away from that.
**hugs**
And I'll take your kitty. I think my three would like a friend :)
kitty!!!! she could play with mine. very interesting to read about your struggle, i'm sorry that you've been dealing with this! i'm proud of you for speaking up about it, i know it's not easy to be so open on a blog!
ReplyDeleteWOW this is such a powerful post! thank you for sharing. thanks for being REAL AND HONEST..that is so important for our well being too.. im proud of you and inspired!
ReplyDeleteGIRL you take your time w. that package! seriously, i know you are busy!! you can send it WHENEVER! no worries AT ALL!!
have a great weekend!
1. I love you.
ReplyDelete2. Thank you for being so brave. It's so easy for us (me?) to look at someone else and assume that what they see is what I see... and not even consider that they could have the same inner struggles that I have or ones that I cannot even imagine.
I had a convo with one of my students today (she's 5). She asked my why blue was my favorite color. I told her because it's my dad's and I always wanted to be just like him. She looked at me for a bit, and I asked her if she wanted to be like her dad? "No," she said. Her mom? "No. I just want to be like ME."
Then she said "Ms. S, I think you should start trying to be just like YOU too. I really love YOU, you should too!"
Such wise words from my little one!