I can tell you yesterday was possibly one of the worst days of my entire existence. Honestly and truly it was.. I lost it on Sunday night when C asked me what I told blog world; I hadn't broken down completely yet and I found myself in a hotel near the airport bawling like a baby with my better half holding me and telling me everything was going to be ok. I should have been the one doing that for him. Not the other way around. Last Friday when we finally decided what to do will haunt my memory forever- I don't know if anyone knows how a broken heart sounds, but I heard it and I felt it and I will never be the same again.
My family hasn't been a great source of strength for me so I am grateful that there are people out there who are sending me warm fuzzy thoughts- even if you don't fully understand what's going on, you know enough that no matter what the circumstance, its a terrible and horrible loss. Olivia and Joanna are scared to lose him again too and Olivia insists its unfair and he should picket and protest (nice try little one..) and Joanna just wants to sit on her father's lap again.
To those of you who have emailed, commented, or messaged me in the last few days you may never know how much hope lay in those simple and uplifting words. I cried over every email and every sentence. I am so thankful I put this up there- I often struggle with telling people about any hardship in my life because my family usually says "you got what you asked for" or bad day stories turn into a pissing contest. I stopped telling my family much because sadly as nice as they are, they have the tendency to be close-minded about things that I have great empathy for.** I guess the only heathen in the family is the one with the biggest heart. The next few months will be the hardest of this whole thing and the rest will be in the words of a few people I know, a "cake walk". Once I find out exactly when he's coming back, it will be like a "TT-countdown" to when he comes home.
In the meantime I will need some time to get my blogging-self back to normal. I haven't worked out since last Wednesday and I plowed through a lot of junk food this past weekend too. I think on Sunday I went for an hour long walk; but bought Skittles halfway through so I wouldn't pass out because I hadn't eaten all day. When I got back to the house I think I ate a pint of ice cream. Then we had burgers that night and I just ate numbly- not even thinking about the stomach problems that would plague me. Also, I rarely ever cook for myself, so I'm not sure how my food consumption will be looking in the next few days.. if anyone wants any reviews done though.. lol I'm taking them!
Rebeca is doing a "Goal A Day" challenge and I think I will be joining up in the cause. Just think of one mini-goal for yourself each day to accomplish, so that the "big ones" don't seem so overwhelming.
My first goal (but more long term..)is to make it through a day without randomly bursting into tears.
Tomorrow my goal is going to be to work-out for at least 30 minutes. I think it will make me feel a little bit better!
** Please note I said EMPATHY and not sympathy.. don't want you guys thinking I'm a helpless enabler who feels so bad for people I'm blind to the issues at hand..lol**